I just had the most amazing experience.
I was hanging out with my little brother all night and we hadn't really spent a lot of time together in a while.
We were playing a game of his and listening to Simple Plan (his choice, he always chooses Simple Plan).
I got the turantula card and was asked "Where do turantula's normally live?"
I replied "I dunno Africa?" and he immediately bursted into laughter.
The answer was 'trees' and we both had the biggest lughing fit of our lives.
Not even joking, the laughing didn't stop for over 20 minutes.
Austin had actual tears streaming down his face.
Everytime he would gain a bit of control and say "I don't think I have any more laughs in me!" it would start all over.
The rest of the game, every so often he'd giggle "Oh, Africa..."
I asked "Have you EVER laughed this hard??"
"NO! HAHAHAHA"
I love him.

Act without doing, work without effort, think of the large as small and the many as few. Confront the difficult while it is easy, accomplish the great one step at a time. Don't reach and you will find, if you run into trouble throw yourself toward it. Don't cling to comfort and everything will be comfortable.

Failure is an opportunity. If you blame others, there is no end to blame. Fulfill your obligations, correct your mistakes. Do what you need to do and step away. Demand nothing and give all. Demand nothing and give all.

-James Frey

"I wanted to call you because - you know that thing I always do where I start to say something but I don't? - last time you were here and you told me you loved me when you were leaving, I really regret not telling you I love you. Like, I really really love you. A lot. It's the first time in a long time I've said it. And meant it."

I love you too.
(So much)

Why does everything so drastically change as we get older? Change is inevitable as we age and, quite frankly, I do not enjoy it. With every year we get further and further away from best friends and childhood memories. Although we make new ones, possible better than those before, it is next to impossible to forget the past - good times and bad. With growth also comes a change in values. What was once important to us is no longer.

When I was younger, even a couple years ago, I often could not wait to explain to my friends the excitement, fear, concern, or joy of the week's events. Now I rarely feel the need to update any friends, new or old, on the occurances of my daily life. And never would my morals allow me to take part in some of the adult-like (dare I say, mature) events that have now become mundane. I don't know. Maybe these things should still be considered important, but maybe nothing is important to me anymore. It's just life. Whatever happens, happens. Is it necessarily a bad thing to have no regrets? Should I feel shame and remorse in the difference my life has bestowed? Does anyone?

Nostalgia is a funny term. I honestly believe no one possesses such nostalgic feelings quite like I do. Everyone misses aspects of their previous years, everyome feels sad for what they have left behind. This, I know. But my brain cannot seem to let go of the past and accept the present. The future is just way too much for me to begin to comprehend. Sometimes I worry for the state of my mental health. How am I possibly going to enter into the future when thoughts of my previous years keep holding me back? But it will happen. Without even realizing, it will happen. Time is a peculiar thing that way.

I want to be able to trust you,
But at the same time I dont.
I know I trust people way too easily and I just dont want to get hurt again.
I believed everything you ever told me.
This is way too scary.
Sometimes I wish I could be more like you.
To just forget, to just not care.
I want to block my mind of all thoughts of you,
But at the same time I want to let you in.
I wish this was easier.
I want to believe it when you tell me you'll always be here for me.
That you're not going anywhere.
But what happens when this happens again?
Give me reasons to believe you care.
I need to know you feel the same.

Im so sick of boys thinking they like me because of how I look. Seriously. They know nothing about me.

I dont even have a job, all I have to do it go to class and pay attention. Do some homework. But I cant even do that... I am unbelievably stressed about finals, but I cant seem to manage even going to class. I want motivation. One more week. One more essay. One more test. I want more confidence... I want reassurance. Im terrified Im not good enough. For anything, and anybody. I wish I had life figured out. Even the next year would be nice. But I dont know what I am going to major in. I dont even know where Im going to be living next summer. 6 months ago I thought I had everything figured out.

Its hard to keep things from you.
I never had to before.
When I learn something new or just want to say how I feel (I always found it easiest to say my feelings out loud to you) you're the first to come to mind.
If I see something funny on TV or go to a really great movie, I want to tell you about it so you can see it too.
After reading a good book or hearing a favorite song for the first time my mind goes straight to you - would you like it too?
But I cant tell you these things anymore. It would be pointless.
You may think I can still talk to you, but we both know its not the same.
I cant tell you everything anymore.
Like when I meet a new person...
I've met some new people, who I think are great, but you dont know them (no one does).
I'd tell you about them but you will never care.
Sometimes I think I am over you, think that I can finally be with someone else.
But I feel like I will never have with someone else what we had.
I want to. I want to be in love again. I want to have someone to be able to tell all these things I cant tell you anymore.
But Im impatient.
And I miss you.
But most of all I want to tell you how I'va been so sad lately.
I want someone to make it all better. To tell me things will be okay.
To hold my hand and fix everything with one comforting hug.
Someone new.
Someone just like you...

Someone's smoking something in my building and it smells nasty.

I really wish I wasnt so awkward.
I cant even keep up a normal conversation with someone.
I say the most random things and ask the stupidest questions.
I really wish I had better conversational skills.
Its actually quite frustrating.

ERRRG! Fuck. This is so frustrating!
Everything is so fucking frustrating.
My mother is going insane. Packing everything up AGAIN.
I cannot stand the boys' fighting and screaming all day long.
I dont even have an address anymore!
What the fuck am I supposed to even write down for my exams if I dont even have a fucking address?
I have no idea what is going to happen to all my stuff when I move.
I wont even get to sleep in my own bed for five years.
After the summer, I am never going to see any of my friends again.
Do you fucking understand this at all?!
YOU get to stay at home.
YOU get to live with your parents.
YOU have to pay no rent.
YOU get to see your friends whenever you want.
Why do you not understand any of this...

I didnt fall!

It was fun. Thursday didnt seem real. I felt old. Friday was crazy. I cant wait to see all the pictures of us all dressed up. I cant believe its over.

I remeber being in elementary school thinking I was never going to graduate and my dad telling me it will come too soon. I didnt believe him- when you`re a kid you think everything takes forever. That the world doesnt move. It makes me sad and so so scared to think that pretty soon we`ll be going to college then getting married and having kids but most of all I`m scared of getting really old. And dieing. I wish I had a time machine.

Anyways, it was really sad. I`m going to miss everyone so much. Even the people I didnt think I liked. i dont wanna grow up...

I am SO nervous.
I am going to fall down the stairs!
Then I am going to knock everyone in front of me down too.
When they hand me my (fake) diploma I will be shaking unbelievably.
I'm shaking just thinking about it!
Then on my way back I will puke from nervousness.
Everyone will laugh at my uncontrolably shaking body.
And I will die.

I wanna go home...
='(

I dont feel any older.
But my birthday was wicked sweet.
On Thursday, the day before my birthday, I walked over to Chris' school. He told me to open up his locker when I got there so I did. And there was an early birthday present for me. So we got to his house and he suprised me with movie tickets. We went to see The Number 23 and I really liked it.
Friday morning my mom gave me a bottle of wine lol. That evening, I went for supper with my mom and the boys and Chris. We went to Moxie's and the waitress gave me a 'Muff Dive'. It was... interesting. Later on, I went out with my mom and some of the girls from work. We lost Kelsey right away though lol. First we went to Rosco's but they would not let me in because I dont have my driver's liscense. It was very sad. But then we went to Ralph's and I made them feel sorry for me saying it was my birthday and its not my fault I couldnt pass the stupid test. It was so loud in there and I really did not enjoy the music so we ended up leaving later on and went to The Scoreboard. I liked it there. It was quiet and they didnt even ask for ID. After that, I went to Justin's for a couple hours.
The next day, I woke up with only the slightest headache, after downing about a dozen different drinks. That night I went out for supper with my dad, because he had just gotten back from BC. We went to D'Carlo's and had to wait about an hour and a half before getting our food. (and they woudlnt let me get a drink either!) It was kinda lame but my aunt and uncle from out of town ended up suprising us and I got to see their new puppy. So, when I walk back into my house, I look down at all the shoes. It seemed to be alot but I didnt really take it into concideration at first lol. Then I look up at the top of the stairs and about thirty people yell "surprise!" . HA, I honestly didnt know a thing! And looking back there were about a million clues I could have taken. It was very fun, though. And to think I thought my friends hated me for not wanting to hang out on my birthday.
So yeah... it was pretty sweet. I love my friends and family so much =)

Now, this week didnt start out so great though...
We moved into our new place and the first few days completely sucked.
Everyone was mad at me for packing last minute and I really, really didnt want to leave my old house.
The new place is SMALL. My mom desnt exactly have a room right now and when we first got here there were so many things wrong. The internet wasnt hooked up, a cabinet door fell off, there was no blind on my bedroom window (which you cant even buy that size btw), and numerous little details. But it'll work.
One day after school, my mom was late picking me up.
I had just gotten back a physics test that I failed majorly, I was stressing about college, and I was missing my house a lot. I started to bawl when I got in the car...
But I think things are much better now.
They're different, but it's okay.
I've just never been real good with change.

Sometimes I honestly think Im dieing.
Laying in bed at night, trying to sleep, all I can think about is death
And how much I dont want to leave.
My lungs feel as if they will collapse.
Or maybe Ill just die in my sleep.
(sleeping is scary that way)
Will I have a heartattack,
stop breathing,
maybe it's cancer?
Is this normal?
This is not normal...
What if I did, though.
Who would miss me?
Who would shrug it off?
Who would not be able to move on.
I would be selfish to die
Leaving everyone who loves me.
Then I think about the possibilities of this happening to someone I love.
... this is stupid.

I helped my dad move this weekend.

My house sold today.

I dont want to study.
I dont want to take any more tests.
I dont want anymore review.
I dont want to get ready for college.
I want to play games,
visit old friends,
look through old photos,
write something interesting,
read every book I own,
watch movies,
make movies,
paint a million pictures,
go for long walks,
have sleepovers with girlfriends,
lay in bed with someone I love all day.
I wish I could do that =)

I had a dream that I cheated on you.
I went on a date with another boy.
I was excited for this date, but it turned out all wrong.
The guy was a jerk and all I could think about was you.
All I wanted was to be with you.
Then I woke up.
And you were asleep next to me.
I smiled in relief and pulled you in close.
I kissed your head and fell asleep in your arms.
<3